It’s almost time for the most on-brand of all American holidays–Thanksgiving.
Nothing says America quite like a day of gluttony, and celebrating our revisionist history about how the Native Americans “helped” the settlers learn to live off the land (the same land that was being stolen from them through systematic massacres at the time).
With the current state of political discourse in the US, Turkey Day could be explosive if you’re not careful. We all have people in our lives who have different political views than our own (and if you don’t, who broke you?)
In any case, it’s best to tread lightly with political conversations. When in doubt, shove some more turkey in your mouth instead of responding with the first retort that comes to mind, especially if that retort is, “Ok, boomer.”
A post about Thanksgiving wouldn’t be complete without mentioning the second most on-brand of all American holidays–Black Friday.
Black Friday is the official kickoff of the Christmas shopping season and it is the grandest of all celebrations of consumerism. People have been hurt and killed in stampedes on Black Friday as shoppers fight for the best deals to celebrate the birth of Baby Jesus.
“Thou shalt not kill (unless it’s for a steep discount from retail price).”
You have an opportunity to have some fun with the insufferably political people in your life. If they’re going to annoy you by regurgitating whatever nonsense they saw on Fox News or CNN yesterday, why not respond with some cheeky gifts? Two birds, one stone, so to speak. Your gift-giving obligation will be satisfied, and you can smugly await the moment when they open their gifts and piece it all together. Cheeky gifts really are the best gifts.
The links on this page are affiliate links, which is how this site makes (very little) money. The price of the products is always the same to you regardless of whether or not you use the links here (we get paid from the sellers). The FTC requires this disclosure even though I know you don’t care about it one bit, so here we are. It would be nice of you to click on any gifts you like and buy one, but it’s certainly not required.
For the climate change deniers: A thermometer
You’ll hear one of the favorite talking points from climate change deniers whenever there’s some severe weather.
“If global warming is real, why is there so much snow on the ground?”
You shouldn’t bother trying to explain how climate and weather are different things because these people are not interested. Learning the difference between climate and weather would be a buzz kill. So, get them a thermometer instead. That way they can watch the Earth die in real-time and Instagram the photos of the extreme heat and extreme cold at their leisure.
For the climate change believers: An emergency flotation device
If it’s true that all the coastal areas in the US are going to flood if we don’t abandon our cars, it would be wise to own some things that help you float. You shouldn’t bet on finding a floating piece of debris once you’re already in the water (we saw how well that worked for Leo in Titanic). You need a better plan.
Bonus: This cheeky gift is (sort of) stylish! It can be worn as an accessory and inflated over and over in case the flooding of America doesn’t happen all at once. It also has a built-in compass to help you find your way to higher ground.
For the people who believe basic healthcare for everyone is a good idea: ????
These sound like reasonable people. I don’t know of any cheeky gifts here. It’s also unclear to me why this is a partisan issue. Every other first-world country has set politics aside when it comes to investing in a healthy population. So what’s our problem?
For the people who believe basic healthcare is not a good idea: Home remedies
Who needs modern medicine when you have Windex?
For the people who don’t want to die in a mass shooting: A bulletproof vest
Unfortunately, mass shootings have become commonplace in the US. There are more guns than people in the US and there’s clearly nothing we can do to fix the problem.
I had to do some research for this gift. I thought it was illegal for regular citizens to own bulletproof vests, but it seems that was incorrect. At the federal level, the only time it’s illegal to wear one is if you’re a convicted felon or you’re wearing it during the commission of a crime involving a weapon. Some states have regulations for bulletproof vests that seem more stringent than their gun ownership regulations. Go figure.
This is a good one, and reasonably priced. It’s recommended for anyone who frequents schools, shopping malls, synagogues, concerts, nightclubs, or private homes (where most mass shootings occur).
For the Yang Gang folks who are excited about the prospect of universal basic income: A Betterment account.
Free money for everyone sounds great, right?
“What would you do with an extra $1000 a month?”
I’ve been seeing that question floating around as part of Andrew Yang’s presidential campaign. Should this happen, there is the slight problem of every future election being a fight over the candidate who promises more free money ($1000, then $1500, then $2000, etc., until there is no more money to be had), but we’ll leave that alone for now. If you start receiving an extra $1000 a month, it would be wise to invest it.
Betterment is one of my favorite discoveries of the past few years. Basically, they manage your investments for you in a way that used to be reserved only for ultra-rich people. They use software to invest in a bunch of index funds that fit your risk profile and goals, they automatically rebalance your investments when it’s appropriate and they know when it’s advantageous to do some tax-loss harvesting. If you don’t understand half the things in that sentence, don’t worry about it. You don’t have to! They handle all of it for you.
You can take their free assessment to see what they recommend for you here. For what it’s worth, the money I put with them has outperformed all my other investments (except bitcoin…which is more like gambling than investing). Turn on the auto-deposits and check back in twenty years. “Set it and forget it,” as they say.
A good second choice for the universal basic income folks is a book that will teach them some things about capitalism to help them grasp the bigger picture. I recommend this one, written by a brilliant author I happen to know very well. 😉
For those opposed to universal basic income: Monopoly Socialism
Recruiting your friends and family members to play a game of Monopoly Socialism to teach them how socialism works sounds like a hoot. This twist on the classic game includes features like having players work together on community projects…unless they can steal projects to get ahead. It’s one of those cheeky gifts for capitalists who want to educate the socialists in their lives.
For the people who believe the Trump presidency will end in civil unrest or civil war: A survival kit
It is entirely possible the Trump presidency will end in large-scale civil unrest in the US. If you think, “That would never happen in the US,” perhaps you should brush-up on your US history. There’s nothing new or unique about civil unrest or riots, and you don’t have to look very hard online to find the nut jobs who are preparing for violence.
It’s one thing to turn into a “prepper” who builds bunkers, stockpiles ammunition and spends your weekends at survivalist bootcamps. It’s another thing to have a backup plan and supplies in case of an emergency. You should be able to survive for at least a week without leaving your home, if push comes to shove. This is true whether you’re planning for civil unrest, or a natural disaster. It pays to be prepared. This survival kit will give you a good start.
For the vegans in your life: A set of steak knives
This is my favorite of the cheeky gifts.
For the millennials who complain about the cost of housing in cities where they live (but don’t have to live): An avocado-shaped piggy bank
Because avocado toast is the primary reason why millennials can’t afford to buy houses. It’s the only possible explanation.
You know who this is for:
And you know who this is for:
For everyone: Pocket-sized United States Constitution & Declaration of Independence
Many moons ago, getting a passing grade in a class called Civics was required to graduate high school. I’m hearing stories from all over the US that Civics is not being taught anymore.
That’s disturbing for a few reasons, but mostly because ignorance favors tyranny. After all, how are you supposed to know when your government is ripping away your Constitutional rights if you don’t know what rights you have in the first place? (Hint: The political ads you see on Facebook do a poor job of being honest about those sort of things)
Here’s a ten pack for about $1 a piece. Buy the pack and use them as stocking stuffers.
For the Brits
A list of cheeky gifts wouldn’t be complete without mentioning the Brits. After all, they’re the ones who use the term “cheeky” more than anyone else. And have you been paying attention to the current dumpster fire commonly known as “Brexit?” What a mess. This gift would be good for an ugly sweater party, too! (Although the Brits call sweaters “jumpers.” Weirdos.)
I hope you enjoyed this gift guide. I’ll see you again next year. Against my better judgment, I’ve left the comments open on this post. That might change, though. For now, have at it.
Do you have any cheeky gifts we should add to the list? Leave your ideas in the comments and we’ll send you a prize if we use one of your ideas.
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