There are some dangerous gifts out there. I don’t mean “dangerous” like getting your wife a vacuum cleaner for your anniversary, I’m talking about dangerous gifts that can cause some serious harm by themselves.
These gifts are good for any occasion, if you have the right person in your life. Or maybe you’re trying to eliminate a person in your life? In any case, let’s get to it.
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Nothing says, “I love you,” like a trio of tomahawks! Just look at these sexy weapons, made of stainless steel and specially weighted for throwing at the target of your choice. They even come with a three-hatchet sheath. Just grip it and whip it, as the kids say. Order your throwing tomahawks here. When it comes to dangerous gifts, this is a good entry-level choice.
Jarts (lawn darts)
For those of you who weren’t around during the 70s and 80s, we had a different set of standards when it came to safety. For example, none of us wore bicycle helmets. Ever. Also, Jarts were a thing. They were probably one of the most dangerous gifts you could give someone while still pretending you were a friend.
The design was simple. They looked like darts you’d find in a bar, except larger (like a foot long) and they had weighted, pointy, metal ends to them. Tossing them lightly around the front yard was risky enough, but throwing them overhand like a baseball or launching them into the sky without knowing where they would land is what caused severe injuries and probably some deaths. I’m not even going to link to them here. If you’re twisted enough to want some of these dangerous gifts, you’ll have to find them on your own.
Let’s transition from dangerous projectile gifts to something with universal appeal. How about FIRE? If cavemen were alive today, I’m sure they would be amazed at our ability to create fires on demand, and amazed at our lack of interest in creating fires on demand. The short video is very dramatic considering the subject, but I think you might like it anyway.
This pen looks like a fun party toy, assuming you have friends who aren’t too uptight (or friends who are cavemen). Shooting bursts of fire inside someone’s home will get some attention, especially when you get to explain how the risk of burning down the building is quite low with your toy (it uses flash paper). One of these might be useful if you’re a magician, too. I never know with magicians. They are a “different” bunch of people. I know that sounds rich coming from a guy like me. You can get a pyro pen here.
If you really want to put someone at risk, give them the ultimate dangerous gift–a car! In 2010, there were an estimated 5,419,000 crashes, 30,296 with fatalities, killing 32,999, and injuring 2,239,000 (numbers from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration). Yet we can’t imagine life without them.
The photo is a Volvo 240. I am well-acquainted with this car because I used to own one. I bought it with my paper route money when I was almost sixteen years old. It was a strategic purchase because the police officers in my hometown LOVED to harass high school kids.
By driving an “old person” car, I reduced my risk of being stopped by the cops for no reason. I also had the number 67 on my license plates because all of my classmates would get 97 or 79 (graduation year or birth year) along with some variations of their names. If you were a cop who wanted to harass high school kids, there were enough 97 and 79 license plates around to keep you occupied on a Friday night. I was flying under the radar with my old person car, pretending to be someone who graduated in 1967 or was born in 1967.
Side note: I may be in the market for a Volvo 240 today even though they stopped making them in ’93. They are typically found in pristine condition inside the garages of senior citizens and there’s a very active subculture of proud Volvo 240 owners in the US. The owners are working together in online communities to keep all of them running (some of the cars have hundreds of thousands of miles on them now). Do you know anyone who wants to sell a Volvo 240? I would get endless laughs from seeing it every time I left my house, not to mention the enjoyment I would get by carting my friends around in one of those beauties when it’s my turn to drive. I’m sure I’d still take Uber, Lyft and electric scooters most of the time anyway, but it would be worth it to me to invest in the giggles.
These are one of the preferred injury tools for the guys in my generation. We grew up riding skateboards, so there’s a bit of nostalgia attached to them (again, we never wore helmets because we were invincible in the 80s).
The standard approach is to open the box, charge everything, then head outside and set the dial on the remote to MAX while standing on the board with eager anticipation. The next step is push the GO button and watch the board fly down the street on its own as we land on our backsides on the pavement. The difference between the 80s and today is that we are no longer invincible. Falling on the pavement these days results in a variety of injuries from trying to stop ourselves from falling, or failing to stop ourselves from falling.
Of course, all of this happens while our family members are standing and watching the very predictable scenes unfold. Get one here.
“You’ll shoot your eye out.” Need I say more? Get one here.
Every year, thousands of people slice their hands when they’re cutting bagels. It’s a common household injury and unique to America. U-S-A…U-S-A! I’m sure my New Yorker friends will have some input here, so I look forward to what they leave for us in the comments at the bottom of the page.
A quality set of bagel knives will make it easier to cut bagels AND hands or fingers. What are we supposed to do…give up bagels? I don’t see that happening.
This one is a sleeper. At first glance, they seem innocent enough. They are sets of magnetic balls that are good for hours of enjoyment as you make various shapes by sticking them together.
The danger appears when someone who doesn’t know any better decides to swallow a few of them. It’s an easy enough thing to do because they’re smooth and about the size of grapes. Down the hatch!
When they reach the digestive system, they are still magnetic and they will still stick together. This is problematic for mammals because we have winding intestines and the magnetic balls can stick to each other and stay that way…well…forever. You can see the issue here. The Buckyballs don’t go anywhere without surgery once it gets to that point.
Just like the Jarts, I’m not going to help you buy these things. Maybe try eBay.
Amazon Echo or Google Home Smart Speakers
You must be out of your mind if you are inviting one of these digital spies into your home. I know it’s cool to bark commands at a static robot and have them comply with your wishes, but they are ALWAYS LISTENING.
Even with the thoroughly documented history of the big tech companies violating your privacy in unthinkable ways, y’all act like it’s no big deal because, “Hey, I can save so much time by telling the thing to turn off all my lights instead of walking myself to the wall to turn off the lights myself.”
There are enough companies violating your privacy these days without you actively inviting them into your home and doing god-knows-what with the information they glean from your regular conversations. There was a recent murder case where the judge subpoenaed the Alexa data from the victim’s home, so these are definitely dangerous gifts for the criminals in your life.
What else should be added to this list? Leave your suggestions in the comments below and if your suggestion is a good one, you’ll get a cookie in the mail.